A friend called me yesterday and asked, if you were in my shoes, what would you do? The question had to do with her daughter who is flunking from school. The daughter is smart and there is no reason she should be flunking all her classes. They’ve tried private school, counseling, tutoring, strict rules, lax rules and nothing. The girl does her homework when pressed, but doesn’t submit the required work. So, of course, the teacher has no recourse but to flunk her. So she asks, what would you do if you were in my shoes?
This is hard. Heaven knows I’ve made my share of decisions which, in retrospect, I’m not entirely certain were correct. But this much I knew then and know now: I did the best I could. Under the circumstances, I made my choices based on what I could live with. And in that sense, the decisions were correct. On the whole, my children and I are friends, but we certainly have had, and continue to have, our differences. One thing I’m still learning is how to let go.
As a parent – and I think this is shared by parents everywhere in varying degrees! – I want what’s best for my children. My view of what’s best is of course framed by MY ideas of what’s good for humans, in general, and for my children, in particular. And furthermore, this view is driven by what I wish they’d have in their lives. In my case, I’ve always wanted for my children to be healthy and happy. Why not wealth, you ask? Well, in my view, if you are healthy, happiness comes easier and money is no sweat because you are able.
Given that as a backdrop, the likely things I’d comment on or try to sway them towards would include things like:
- What they put in their mouths
- What came out of their mouths
- How they related to the world
- How they take care of themselves
- How they take care of each other
- How narrow or expansive their view of the world
That covers just about everything, doesn’t it? :) So I can only imagine what went through their heads as I steered them towards my idea of healthful living!
The fact is, your child is not your child. Not really. At best, they teach you how to be a parent. They do that by forcing you to face what’s important to you and help you be true to yourself. So if this child is headed towards flunking school, at some point, you’ll have to let her. AND you’ll have to do it in YOUR terms. What do I mean by that? Well, if you’ve tried everything you know to help, then perhaps the next option is to back off. But this time, no private schools, no tutoring, none of the sort. Only the rules of the house apply. You allow time for homework. And permission for the next activity (TV?) is granted once the homework is done. No fighting about it. Just apply the rule. And if she does the homework, but doesn’t submit it, you cannot do it for her. So let it be. Flunking is not the end of the world. All you can do is be there when she needs you.